I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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