if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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