So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
