I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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