sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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