i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
