if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
