I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
