who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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