bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
