he thought i was a dude.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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