last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
