Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
