Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
