were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
