She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
