the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm just crazy horny about you
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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