Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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