Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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