I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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