At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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