im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
