stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
