Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i believe in u and ur pee
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
