White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
