Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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