Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
