Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
