I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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