i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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