Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
