You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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