Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
