i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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