Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
