someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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