rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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