Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
