I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
