I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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