Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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