apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
