I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
