sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
