When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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