You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
