a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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