why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
