I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
