I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
