I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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