I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
