if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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